Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
