tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
