just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
