Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
