I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
