I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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