Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
