I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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