now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
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