Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
