I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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