Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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