Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
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