Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My penis needs a shock collar
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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