Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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