He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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