Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
