Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
