It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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