Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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