My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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