What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
