I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
