what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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