he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
