I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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