Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
