She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
