Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
