Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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