pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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