I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
