Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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