As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
