I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
