I think I won the penis lottery.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
