Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
