Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
