shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
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