I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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