Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
