Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
40s are totally the cure
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
