Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
