I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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