my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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