My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
This baby is an asshole
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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