I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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