Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
