i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
