It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
